Well, it’s Easter. You know, that springtime holiday filled with bunnies, chocolate eggs, and one of the most horrendous ways to die imaginable. We here at CGM like to do lists around holidays because that’s just good old fashioned Internet fun. This Easter we decided to do something a little different than usual. Sure we could have done a “Top Ten Scariest Bunnies In Film” article or something related to chocolate, but that seemed too easy. Nope, instead, we’re going to serve up a list of the five greatest crucifixion scenes in cinematic history, just in time for Good Friday. After all, it is the
To keep things from getting too repetitive, we decided to only give the OG JC one spot on this list. After all, Jesus’ very bad day has been done on film so many times and in so many ways that he could hog this whole list to himself and that man didn’t care for selfishness, so it doesn’t seem right. We also didn’t want to include too many symbolic crucifixion of
Poor Carrie. She really had a rough time in high school, didn’t she? Even worse than most kids! Aside from the almost ritualistic abuse that she faced from her classmates and the painful psychic powers that she developed, Carrie had a hellish homelife. Her mommy was a psychotic bible thumper who made life almost impossible for little Carrie. Thankfully, during her nightlong psychic rampage, Carrie got the best and most symbolic revenge possible. When her mother got violent, Carrie used her psychic powers to stab her mother to death in a very specific crucifixion pose. Shot with director Brian DePalma’s typical mastery of cinematic style, the sequence is equally beautiful, horrifying, and perversely satisfying. There aren’t many movies in which a crucifixion feels like a win, but then again there aren’t many movies like Carrie.
Throughout the 50s and early 60s, Hollywood cranked out a series of Biblical epics that were as massively expensive and as ubiquitous as comic book movies are today. Thankfully, when the great Stanley Kubrick got a crack at the genre (after another director was fired for feuding with Kirk Douglas), he was wise enough to make a sword and sandal epic that was completely secular and also doubled as a harsh metaphor for the Hollywood blacklist. Not many filmmakers would dare to turn a populist epic into a harsh political commentary, but there aren’t many filmmakers like Stanley Kubrick are there? As a matter of fact, there’s only the one. Kubrick was smart enough to stick with the crucifixion finale inherent in the genre though. That’s just a great way to end a movie. He still found a way to conclude with a noble crucifixion sacrifice, just without all the Jesus stuff. It’s a great movie moment, even if Douglas’ acting isn’t exactly fantastic.
Only one man is so damn badass that he could survive a crucifixion and shake it off like it was no big deal. That man is Arnold Schwarzenegger and that scene was one of the first gifts that he gave to the world during his reign of action movie dominance with Conan The Barbarian. Arnie is so unfazed by being crucified that he even bites back the buzzards who dare to attempt to eat him and he comes out the other side of the ordeal strong enough to do a little more sword slaughtering before the end of the movie. It’s a truly great movie moment that any lover of 80s sleaze needs to sample at least once. Just keep reminding yourself one thing while you watch it: this man went on to become the governor or California. For realz.
Only one group of comedians would be daring enough to turn
Finally, only Jesus could possibly top this list. After all the main reason that the world still knows what a crucifixion of J